my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
