You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
