Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
