I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
