Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
