State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
