Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
