it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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