I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
