mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
