He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
