We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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