He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
