Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
