the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
