did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
