i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
babies were throwing up all over the place
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
