He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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