Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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