Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
