1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
