hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
