Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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