My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
