I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
