Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Green mimosas i think yes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
