Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
