happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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