I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
