She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
