Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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