I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
