I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Randomize
