Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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