I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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