What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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