I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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