Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
