my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
