Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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