today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
