Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
