Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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