The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I AM VODKA MAN
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
