I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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