Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
