Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
