Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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