He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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