I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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